[skateboard rolling]
[trumpet playing]
[pencil drawing]
[cricket chirping]
[street traffic and crosstalk]
[upbeat music]
- [Huey] Jenna, Allie, Genevieve, Lucia,
Allison, Tricia, Zoe,
Allie.
- No one likes my poetry.
- Here's a good one for you, Bernard.
Name's Irene.
I don't read poetry.
- You read Bukowski.
- He's an icon.
- I hate the name Irene.
I hate everything about my life.
I'm not progressing.
Where am I gonna be in, in 25 years?
- Dead.
- At 49?
I don't even exist now.
How can I be dead at 49?
I'll be a failure because no one wants me.
- We'll all be dead, man.
- Jesus, you're depressing.
- Nuclear winter, man.
- I'm not political.
- It's outta your hands.
- Don't you want to do anything with your life, Huey?
- Until the bomb?
Get laid.
- Is that it?
- Is that bad?
Do you get laid?
- I think that I...
I am waiting to fall in love first.
So who's this Irene?
- Student.
Overachiever.
But in a good way.
- Why did you write "loose cannon?"
- Yeah.
You'll find out.
[dramatic music]
[plane landing]
- You know what I miss?
Is the '80s chick.
A certain kind.
Radical in the streets.
Experimental in bed.
So feminist she'd fuck anybody [chuckles]
and she didn't care for me any more for me
than I care for her.
The '80s chick.
Mmmm.
- You're a pig.
- My ex-wife, Suzanne, she was compassionate,
but not really.
Like she was compassionate to a point.
Pseudo-compassionate.
I mean, what I mean to say is, my ex-wife
was compassionate when it suited her purposes.
More a tactic than an ethic.
My ex-wife's compassion had an agenda.
But I don't need to tell you, compassion is superficial.
Cheryl?
- Hi.
Adorable man.
- I hate you.
[phone ringing]
[sighs]
Yeah.
Yeah, I got him.
I told you I would.
The fuck kinda question is that?
He looks fat, and bald, and sweaty.
[groaning]
Hey-hey-hey-hey!
Hey, get back!
Get back here, you son of a bitch!
You fucker.
- So, I will call you tomorrow.
Actually, tomorrow is a busy day.
- I don't pick up, so I'll call you.
- I'm actually gonna be out of the office all week,
so I tell you what, why don't I text you?
I'll text you.
- I'll text you.
[sighs]
- Dammit.
I start doing something with this place tomorrow.
[knocking]
Hmmm.
She must have forgotten something.
Or maybe she loves me.
[chuckles]
- Every 25 years, right?
I drop in, right?
- Uh...
- What are you staring at?
- I'm...
- Why are you standing there with your finger up your ass?
- Sorry, I think you have the wrong apartment.
- Oh, shit!
You don't fuckin' know who I am.
- Okay, look, I, I don't...
- I can't fucking believe this one, Bernard!
I shouldn't fuckin' know you!
That is the kind of friends we were.
If anybody's gonna forget somebody
in this fucking friendship, it's me, you, all right?
- Wait.
Huey?
Huey!
- Yeah!
- What's going on?
You've changed.
Not in a mean way.
- It's good to see you!
- It's good to see, oh...
Jesus!
Huey!
- Hey, do you have any Black Flag?
Circle Jerks?
Minutemen?
Some vinyl.
- No, I know what you're talking about.
No, I do not.
- Y'know, you still have your cassettes?
'Cause those are comin' back, haven't you heard?
- No, I don't have cassettes.
Huey, I don't even have a bed!
Not for you.
I just have one.
And I...
- Shit.
I'll tell you what.
I will...
- Jesus, Huey!
I'll buy a bed!
- What?
No.
No no no.
No.
You don't have to buy me furniture,
just because I don't have any.
- Oh.
That's no problem.
Did you just move in?
- Five years?
Yeah, it's a...
- What?
- It's been five years.
But there's a reason for that.
I'm going to get furniture.
- [Bernard] Why do I always end up with girls who are neurotic?
- Oh, you dig that chick?
- Where?
- Some piece!
She's on a little magazine kick.
- [Bernard] Y'know, in the beginning, they seem so normal.
- Who?
- The girls I go out with!
I never know they're neurotic.
- [Huey] I love it, man!
It kills me!
Hey, baby!
- In the beginning, they tell me how different I am.
I'm not crude and demanding like the other men they know.
- I dig the culture, baby.
I dig the scene.
Peace in Central America?
I've got a piece for you in my Central America.
Smile, you phony little-magazine tease, smile for Huey.
- Huey!
She's hiding yawns when I'm in the middle
of talking about my childhood.
Soon, it's all over between us,
with her telling me that it's her fault.
Like I'm the only boy she ever respected.
- Shit, look at that preppie airhead smile.
That skank's too fucking much.
- I've lost a lover.
A potential lover,
and won a friend.
Yay.
Christ, what do I do wrong, Huey?
- Loan me a five, Bernie.
I got to travel.
- Don't you ever respect girls, Huey?
- If I had any respect for chicks, I'd never make out.
Dig it, man!
- Uh...
- Hey.
I'm Huey.
- God!
- Barnard girls, Sarah Lawrence girls, Radcliffe.
The classier, the more independent, the more liberated,
the more Jewish.
Oh!
He was my hero, and oh my God, you should
see him now.
He's fat and bald and old and really defeated.
Really bad looking.
Really awful looking.
And he once smelled of prowess,
and now he smells like a wino.
And he doesn't have a place to live,
but he's got a roll of bills
that could get you indicted.
I mean, he's camped out of my place,
and clearly he needs help,
and I'm just thinking, you're a shrink, and...
- Oh, no.
- Please.
- No.
No.
- Just talk to him and give him some advice.
- No.
- He could be a potential suicide.
- You don't know that.
- We don't not know that,
and I don't want to come home to a dead body.
I have too much going on.
Just talk to him.
[footsteps]
Really awful looking.
He's aging terribly.
[door opening]
Huey?
[snoring]
I guess he's asleep.
- [Roz] He doesn't sound suicidal.
- [Bernard] Well...
[snores]
In that case, as long as we're here...
- [Roz] Oh, I see.
The old suicidal-friend gambit.
- What?
No!
Coincidence.
[screaming]
- [Roz] Oh!
Oh, my God!
Oh!
Oh my God, I love that!
Yes!
Oh!
Oh, you do that so well!
Oh.
- You gotta be kiddin' me.
- [Roz] Yes!
What about your friend?
- [Bernard] It's probably best not to wake him, I guess.
In his condition.
- [Roz] Right.
- [Bernard] I'm serious.
I don't know.
Looks like he's still breathing.
[phone beeping]
[water running]
[phone ringing]
- Hello?
- He's gone!
[sighs]
[whistling]
- [Huey] Hey!
- [Bernard] Hey!
Where did this stuff come from?
- Some dude down the street.
Will you pour the wine?
- [Bernard] What?
Oh, Huey, I don't...
- [Huey] Hey, uh, so last night.
What, uh, what was goin' on up there?
You never made out!
- What?
That's not true!
- Don't tell me.
I made the scene, you never made the scene.
- I made the scene.
- You were scene-adjacent.
Now, you're pinning more tail than a donkey
at a kid's birthday party.
- [Bernard] Thank you.
- I'm duly impressed.
I'm confounded.
- It's not implausible.
- It's improbable.
I don't know whether to shit or go blind.
It was beautiful, man.
I mean, I'd never seen anything like it.
What this chick accomplished is like the Versailles
of greeting cards.
Angie.
Village chick.
Oh, my God, the curves.
Oh...
But a Matisse when it came to fucking greeting cards.
But who wants 'em?
Nobody.
So, no, my family's in the printing trades.
My brother Marty runs the business, right?
- I didn't know that.
- Oh, yeah.
I grew up in the printing trades.
You never met Marty?
- [Bernard] No.
- Oh, he's the brains of the operation
really hard worker.
- No, wait, your wife designed the greeting cards?
- Well, the wife shit came later.
First came the success shit.
Like Bombshell City.
Like what's happening.
How fast can you count?
She makes 'em, I print 'em, and it's, like,
six-figure heaven.
I'm talking zillionaire time.
Stamford, Connecticut, time.
150 employees.
Expansion.
Refinancing.
Rolling over of moneys.
- I have to say, in all the years I knew you,
I never thought of you working for a living.
- Style!
The scene is what?
I won't lie, Fortune 500.
And then what?
I mean, her midlife crisis.
I'm cool.
But after 10 years of marriage,
she objects to me fucking around?
Then she storms out on me?
Talk about a violation of the wedding vows.
- Huey, I mean, technically, you were the first
to violate the wedding vows.
♪ She was a teenage debutante
♪ A George F. Will sycophant
- Ahhhhh!
- Jeez!
- Punk rock!
I will take the leather jacket and sweaters now.
When will the suits be ready?
- [Clerk] 10 days, sir.
How would you like to pay for this?
Cash or credit?
- Cash.
- [Clerk] Great.
Where would you like it delivered to?
- 360...
- 370.
West 11th.
- 12th.
- Apartment 4...
- N.
- N, N.
It's on the north side of the building.
A lot of light in the morning.
And there are no curtains.
- Nope.
- You're insulting my work?
You just couldn't stand to give me anything, right?
- You lost him!
- What am I?
In the CIA or something?
It's not my responsibility!
I did what I could!
- And then you lost him in New York City?
- And, of course, you have to insult my art,
because it just about keeping me down below you.
- Of course I have to insult your art.
You won't get out of this penis phase, baby!
- So what is the deal with all the cash?
- Just business.
- Okay.
And what is business?
It's kinda like a new retail.
- New retail?
Be more specific.
I'm just curious what you do for a living.
- Um...
- What?
- Capture an old fat man that left us...
- Let's go the other way.
- Why?
What are you...
Wait.
Are you on the lam?
Is that what's happening?
- Define lam.
- Why should...
You know what I mean.
- You're absurd!
- It's your father...
- What do you care about some old sweaty misogynist?
- I should never have trusted you with this.
You never do anything right.
- Yes, you're right.
You should have hired a private investigator
instead of your child, and then made her feel
like an idiot for telling the truth in her art.
- Yes.
Yes, I should have.
- I would lead with John Irving.
Milan Kundera.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez.
Fucking far out.
Tom Stoppard was hip city.
August Wilson.
Tony Kushner.
I would talk Existentialism to hipsters.
- I know.
You act like I wasn't there.
- Well, I never paid.
Chicks always paid.
Didn't need money.
- Huey, I get it.
What's the problem?
[sighs]
- I haven't read a book in 15 years.
- That doesn't mean that you can't...
- [Woman] Bad boy!
- Oh, hey!
- Now I've found you!
- Yes, Huey, this is Stephanie.
- And Flo and Samantha.
- Hi.
- We just flew in from L.A.
- Nice to meet you.
- My God, I need a drink.
- Let's do that.
I can take care of that.
- Let's go!
- No, I don't go there anymore.
- Oh, God, I miss London.
- The Brits.
- But for me, you know, that's the bottom line.
I won't go anywhere they bust you for bringing in drugs.
It's a matter of principle, right?
I mean, so what does your friend do?
- I don't know.
Why don't you ask him?
- You brought him, you ask him.
- It's easier to kick drugs than booze.
- I think that's generational.
How old are you?
- How old are you?
- Huey!
- [Samantha] Bangkok is ruined.
- [Flo] Ruined!
- And Vietnam is ruined.
- Ruined!
- I mean, they get ruined because they to Westernize.
I mean, wherever you have capitalism,
you have Westernization,
but without capitalism, there's no prosperity.
So then the people don't eat.
And of course people have to eat...
Gotta eat...
So then they have to Westernize.
It's a tragic dilemma.
- Tragic.
- Do they let you bring in drugs?
- Okay, I know you're gonna laugh,
but I still like St. Barts.
- Yes.
The people of St. Barts are the nicest.
- Oh, St. Barts is ruined.
- What?
- St. Thomas is nicer, I think.
- [Samantha] I don't want to upset anyone, but we're talking
about a colonial culture here, and I feel
very uncomfortable in a colonial culture.
- The Virgin Islands isn't colonial!
- Well, post-colonial.
- What does that even mean, "post-colonial"?
- Here's what we're gonna do.
Why don't we go and travel together, and we'll see
which is the nicest?
St. Barts?
St. Thomas?
[crosstalk drowns out dialogue]
- Nice.
Nice is overrated, and the only island I dig is New York,
because it is no-frills mean.
Maybe you're having dinner, you ask for
a little water, your waitress, six times,
finally, you order a vodka with water,
and maybe if you're lucky,
you'll see her next Tuesday.
The meanest salespeople in the world?
New York City.
Help you?
They'd rather have their tongues cut out.
- Jesus.
- Mean queers define the meaning of meanness.
Top in Pops, mean queers.
Mean queers as sales personnel?
That is hands-down, state-of-the-art meanness.
Meanness of a higher sphere.
- Do you really believe this shit,
or are you just talking?
- Why don't we go to your place and find out?
- Do me a favor, will you?
Disappear.
Come on, girls.
- I apologize for Huey...
- Enough.
Bye.
Sorry.
Flo.
- What?
- You are unbelievable.
No, seriously, seriously, Huey?
Why even speak?
Hey, Roz, where are you?
- It had to be said.
Nice.
- Isn't this amazing?
- Mm-hmm.
- On a scale of one to 10, how amazing is this?
- Um...
Amazing?
- Yeah!
Okay.
[moaning and laughing]
Oh, Roz!
Yeah!
Yeah, Yeah!
Oh Roz!
Yeah!
Say my name.
- Yes, Bernard.
Bernard!
- [Bernard] Oh Roz!
Woo, hoo, hoo!
[laughing and moaning]
[moaning loudly]
[phone beeping]
[laughing]
- [Zelda] Hey, what am I doing here?
- This whole thing was your idea.
If it wasn't for you, I'd be drunk in Denver.
- It was Mom's idea, and second of all,
I didn't find you in Denver, I found you in Aspen.
What the fuck were you doing in Aspen?
- How should I know?
I bought a pot farm in Colorado.
Aspen's in Colorado.
- Thank you.
- So, you livin' with some dude?
- [Zelda] Drop dead!
[chuckles]
- If you think hating me's gonna get on my nerves,
don't give it a thought.
- I don't even know you, man.
- Yes, you do.
Like it or not, you're part of me.
- [Zelda] Oh, God.
- So, yes or no?
Boyfriend?
You're not married, are you?
How old are you?
- You don't even know how old I am?
- I'm not great with details, okay?
But before I left, I was a very good father.
Did your mother tell you that?
- It must have slipped her mind.
- Do you like your name?
- Why?
Was it your idea?
- As a matter of fact.
Your mother wanted to name you Virginia,
after Virginia Woolf.
I said, well, if we're going to name her after
a crazy female writer, dig this, let's name
her after an American crazy female writer.
Thus, Zelda Fitzgerald.
- Is that supposed to be endearing?
- Why, I think it has a great pedigree.
Y'know, people say she was the brains behind
the operation with old F. Scott.
Sadly, she was a bit schizophrenic.
Spent years in the sanatorium.
- It seems I'm headed for the same fate.
- Well, I hope not.
She died in a fire.
- I'd be open to that if it would get me
out of here any quicker.
- When is your mother getting here?
- [Zelda] Not soon enough.
- My ex-wife, Suzanne.
- Suzanne.
- She didn't know me the way you know me,
so why did I marry her?
It wasn't her fault.
Y'know what?
Yeah, it was.
No, not really.
I wasn't there for her to know.
I only let her know parts of myself,
don't ask me why.
- Fear of commitment.
- No, that wasn't it.
It just seemed too much of an effort.
So when we split up, she wasn't splitting up with me.
She was splitting up with this fragment, this segment.
So the loss I felt was no more or less a loss
than say, my little toe.
[chuckles]
Losing my wife was like losing my little toe.
[laughs]
The shit I say to you.
I wonder why.
Are you staying up?
- I think so.
- Hm.
All right.
- [Aggie] It's so bizarre!
The cards that I think are gonna do well
just die on me,
and the cards that I do just for the hell of it, like...
Zelda, what was that card, two years ago,
you remember, it was so bizarre
it sold hundreds of thousands?
- I dunno.
Could it have been about a cat?
No, Zelda, cats always sell.
Cats sell better than almost anything.
It's just not a challenge to do a cat card.
Anyone that does a cat card, even not very good one,
they sell millions.
You know what I call it?
I call it "catsism," like "sexism."
Oh, I am so bored of cats.
But, I just cannot, for the life of me recall
the what, that card...
A baby!
[laughs]
How bizarre!
An ugly, little wrinkled baby.
That was the card!
Oh, no.
Huey, do you know that your daughter has the
makings of a truly brilliant cartoonist?
- Graphic novelist!
Please!
- You been published.
- Nothing long-form.
Yet!
- Then you're still a cartoonist, dear.
- Oh, Christ!
I can't do this anymore!
What are you doing?
Look at you!
Look at him!
You're acting like a, like a,
like a damsel in distress
about a fuckin' fat little fringy man!
I can't, I can't sit here anymore!
It's insane!
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry that I drink so much
and I talk so much gibberish.
She is very much her father's daughter.
- Well.
Thank you.
What is she?
22?
- 25.
- Oh.
She's got balls.
- Well, she's strong, if that's what you mean.
Oh, Huey, I was out to make a good impression.
- You know, I've got a friend in publishing.
- I've got friends in publishing.
- Well, I'm not making promises, um...
She's not a dyke?
- No!
What kind of question is that?
- She's ballsy.
What's her deal with men?
- She treats men like you treat women.
She doesn't have much faith in men.
And why should she?
- Don't finish it, Aggie.
- Her father left when she was 10.
I'm sorry.
Don't be mad at me.
Oh...
- Oh, I, no, I'm not...
No, I...
You look great, by the way.
I mean it!
I do, I do, I do, I do.
- As I live and breathe.
- [Huey] I dunno why this is such a surprise to you.
- Huey, I didn't even know you had a daughter.
- Well, I have a son, too. - What?
- But that's a different story.
I mean, I've been with a lot of women,
and they're not all careful.
- It was their fault?
- No problem.
My fault.
But it's their kid.
- You're a sociopath!
- No!
Hey, uh, maybe you can help my daughter.
- No, Huey, please.
I'm bad enough with my own family.
- She's a comic book writer.
What do they call it?
- Graphic novelist?
- Right!
And you're at Norton, dig?
So can't you?
- No, I have nothing to do with that department.
No, I've got my own problems.
I don't want to help your daughter.
- Wow!
- I can't decide which one of you is more narcissistic,
but I've got patients to see.
Why they're not either one of you, I don't know.
- Bye. - Bye.
- Hates men.
- [Roz] I can hear you!
- What is your problem?
You know women chew more gum than men these days.
[gum smacking]
Maybe there's a cartoon in that,
that could be kinda funny, y'know?
The smart women.
The smartest women I know,
the more they, um...
The more they...
Oh.
Honestly, I don't know what to say about these.
- [Zelda] Right.
- No, I'm...
I'm not the most visually-inspired person in the world.
My opinion, it hardly matters.
I'm only associate publisher for historical nonfiction.
What I like doesn't count for a lot around here,
so...
- But you don't like the stuff.
- No, no.
I mean, it's definitely, y'know,
full of bile against men,
not that that's...
That's totally fair commentary.
That's, y'know, yeah...
I mean you have a point of view, you know,
you definitely have a point of view, so...
Do you think someone so young should be doing work
that's this bitter?
- I'm not bitter.
Well, uh...
- You're just afraid.
- Oh?
Is that right?
- That's right.
You're afraid of the truth.
So's everyone else.
That's why I'm not famous.
[gum smacking]
How come someone like you is friends with my father?
- That's a good question.
Why am I, at this particular moment,
still friends with your dad?
Oh, here's another one!
Maybe this is, no, that's more penises.
Yeah, I don't get it.
- What was I supposed to do?
Stay with her mother after she takes
the greeting-card business to another printer?
- She was mad at you for playing around, Huey.
- Yeah, well I made those fucking cards, all right?
She couldn't sell shit until I started printing,
promoting, and placing them.
I got her into fucking Wal-Mart!
Why?
'Cause I love the art.
I mean, I loved her, too!
I busted my balls.
And yeah, I get it!
You know, she finds me in bed with the cleaning lady.
Okay, fire the fucking cleaning lady,
you don't fire your husband's business.
- You had a child!
- Do you have a child?
- You know I don't.
- Don't know nothin', so don't lecture me.
She humiliated me, and nobody humiliates Huey.
- All right.
Got it.
- Just don't judge me.
- You know what?
Let's just go home.
- No problem.
- Hey, baby.
You wanna go out, sugar?
- Wanna have a good time?
- Bargain rates tonight, baby.
- Two for one, sugar.
Are you alive, sugar?
I've never paid for it in my life.
- [Courtesan] Oh.
[laughing]
- No.
Hookers used to give it to me for free.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I don't do free, baby.
Sorry, honey.
- All right, well, I'm sorry to disappoint you.
I'm , I'm, I'm Huey.
- Who?
- Huey Beauchamp!
- No.
- I am Huey Beauchamp!
[laughing]
I have never paid for it in my life!
- Are you shittin' me, sugar?
- No.
C'mon, let's go.
Night night.
- [Courtesan] I remember Huey Beauchamp...
A little tiny boy...
- How much?
[laughing]
- [Courtesan] I like tiny boys.
They don't hurt.
[laughter]
- Let's go.
Let's go.
- They used to give it to me.
- All right.
- I'm not...
That's not even bragging.
That's just true.
- [Bernard] All right.
- [Huey] No problem.
Ahhh.
- Huey, ow!
Ow, you're drunk.
Stop.
You're not getting it from me for free either.
[laughter]
- You know what we are living in, man?
The age of the urban chick.
They're hip.
They know it all.
- I feel like a schmuck.
- The urban chick is trained for combat, man.
- What do I do?
I'm not basically competitive.
- You take the urban chick on her terms, man, you're dead!
- How many times can I feel like a schmuck
without also feeling like a loser?
- There's only one way I know to get through the armor
of the urban chick.
- How?
How?
- Talk dirty.
- Talk dirty?
- I don't mean self-conscious dirty,
like it's a current in thing.
She does that herself.
I'm talking animal dirty.
Like you got to make her believe she's in a jungle
and the rules she learned at Smith or Barnard don't apply.
Talk dirty?
- You mean, like, really, like, talk dirty?
- Talk "asshole."
Talk "shit."
Talk "pussy."
Talk "fuck."
Never ask a personal question
and never pick up a check...
To the urban chick, goons like me are a status symbol.
- This works?
- Works every time.
Put the urban chick on the defensive, man,
she'll think she's in love.
And with all that armor,
how's she gonna know the difference?
- I didn't even know Huey had children.
A daughter, that is.
What's it like to see him for the first time in, what?
15 years?
- I don't really think about it one way or the other.
- Are you really this tough?
- I mean, my mom wanted to see him.
You know?
And once she gets an idea in her head,
it's like a whole thing, so...
Plus, it was a good excuse for me to kind of travel around,
and go into some cons, and meet publishers,
show 'em some of my stuff, so...
- How did you even find him?
- I mean, he's fat, and loud,
and slings money around like crazy,
So it's kind of hard to miss him.
It's almost as if he wanted to be found.
Y'know, you're not macho like him, are you?
- Well...
No one's macho like Huey, so...
- Y'know, most of the guys I meet,
I kind of bring out the macho in them, but not you.
- Is that right?
- Yeah, that's right.
- I'm too old.
- I get the feeling you were never really that way.
What were you like when you were my age?
- I wasn't very mature.
- Hmmm.
- Late developer, huh?
[sighs]
- [Bernard] If only.
- I was an early developer.
I bet you were some kind of, like, wimp, huh?
- I was a wimp.
I was a classic wimp.
- [Zelda] Well.
Just goes to show.
- What?
- That there's hope for wimps yet.
Married?
- Uh, not anymore.
- Hm.
Did you abandon your wife, too?
- We were only married for six weeks.
- You got kids?
- After six weeks?
No.
- Oh, that's good.
- [Bernard] Why is that good?
- I wouldn't feel right about it if there were children.
- Feel right about what?
- You tell me.
You're my best friend's daughter, uh...
- [Zelda] Uh-huh.
- Doesn't that make you feel awkward?
- Mmmm...
No.
Should we split?
- Uhhh...
Blah...
- C'mon.
Trust me.
We call ourselves the Katrinka Kollective.
- [Bernard] And who's Katrinka?
- You're old you should know.
Coming through, guys!
- You promised to help me on my app deadline, Zelda!
- [Zelda] Five minutes, Celia!
- Your ass, Zelda!
And don't use your room, Zelda.
Harry's in there.
- Why can't Harry sleep in your room, Celia?
- [Celia] Because your room doesn't get
the Bushwick traffic.
Okay, Zelda?
- Yo, Harry, out!
While we're young, buddy!
Let's go!
All right!
Okay!
All clear!
Bernard!
- Uhhh...
Bye.
[upbeat music]
- This is really good.
Here you go, buddy!
- Awesome!
Thank you.
[laughing]
Thank you for my meal!
- [Zelda] My pleasure.
[upbeat music]
- What's this?
- It's a present.
- Who is she?
- Roz, come on.
No, that's...
It's a tenth anniversary present.
It's 10 years since we started breaking up with each other.
Open it.
- I'm sure it's the perfect gift.
- Yes.
- I know it's the perfect gift.
But, whatever it is, I don't want to
get into a fight tonight.
- Roz.
It is just a gift.
- But there is something,
a favor,
to make me like you again.
- What?
Ah, you like me.
That's something I never have worry about ever.
[chuckles]
- I don't know Huey.
Clearly he's not a person that knows how to ask for help.
But I just thought it would mean a lot to him
if you saw his daughter.
- Zelda?
- Yeah, Zelda.
You know, just give her some advice on publishing, and...
- No, no, no, yeah.
- Something.
- Yeah.
- That's not too much, is it?
- No.
That's great.
I will meet Zelda.
Mmmm.
- Good.
And take your gift back.
- Oh, it's a good one.
I mean, if you start to depend on the compassion of others,
you can get hurt.
I know that.
Still...
If you spend your life avoiding hurt,
you spend your life avoiding life, y'know.
Hey!
Oh!
That's pretty good!
Huh?
I just made that up.
Huh?
Doesn't that sound like something I've said
a million times before?
No, I just, uh...
You inspired that, Zelda.
No, it's true, it's true, it's true.
This whole evening...
If I was with someone without your appeal,
I don't think I could have come up with that line.
Because, you know, usually when I'm with a girl...
A woman, at least of late,
I don't get that sense of, what the hell.
What the hell, just go for it.
But I get that with you.
[kissing]
- [Zelda] So, are you currently involved?
[Laughs]
- No.
- What are you laughing at?
- Involved?
No.
- What, I thought that was, like,
one of your old man nonfiction words.
Old man?
No.
[laughter]
Yes, that's my word.
- [Zelda] What about "committed?"
Are you, uh, committed to anyone at this moment?
- No.
Mm-Mmm.
- Hmm. - Hmm.
- I mean, what about our communication?
Do you think we'll still be able to communicate,
given our age difference?
- Yeah.
Yeah, we can, we can talk about books, hmm?
- What's a book again?
[laughter]
- Okay, there you go.
I'll introduce it to you.
That'll be a good conversation to have.
- Man, I bet I know what you love.
- Hmm.
- I bet you love rock 'n' roll, baby.
- Ow!
- I bet it's really your style.
- Yes, you know me so well already.
Rock 'n' roll and books, that's me.
- You know, I think one day,
I'm actually really gonna surprise you.
- You already are surprising me.
- No, I mean it, Bernie.
I wanna be a great graphic novelist.
I'm gonna be famous.
I feel like I'm gonna be the voice of my generation.
- I know you will be, hmm?
- No, not her.
Not Maxine, not Debbie, not Danielle, no...
- No?
- Here's a possibility.
- Who?
- Her name's Audrey.
Built like a brick shithouse.
Lives in the Bronx.
- What?
The Bronx!
Don't you have anything in the City?
- [Huey] Jezebel.
- Okay.
- [Huey] Not for you.
- Now, wait, no, no.
Who is Jezebel?
- She'd destroy you, Bernard.
- Great.
Great.
Give me Jezebel!
The real stuff.
A dancer.
- What kind of dancer?
- Modern.
- Sounds limber.
- Lives in the Village.
Call her now.
- Now?
But, it's after midnight, Huey.
- To Jezebel, man, it's only lunchtime.
- Oh, hello, Jezebel.
Uh, my name is Bernard Mergendeiler.
A friend of mine, Huey Beauchamp, gave me your number
because he thought that you and I might...
No, yes, yeah, no, he, he's fine, uh, but,
Huey thought that, uh, it'd be good if you
and I could...
No, I'm sorry, I don't have his new number,
but what I do have are two tickets
to the Tom Waits concert on Monday.
No, Huey will not be there.
He's out of town, I think.
So...
Jezebel, Jezebel, on Tuesday...
Tuesday night...
I was invited to a Robert Mapplethorpe opening...
Oh, oh, okay...
Um, are you free Wednesday?
There's a new French film screening.
It's "Shoah."
I don't know anything about it, but, uh,
sounds like a musical.
Uh, you're free!
Uh, great.
10 pm.
Cinema Studio.
Yeah, I'll meet you out front.
I will be the one carrying a copy
of "Lady Chatterley's Lover."
You know, actually I just started it, but,
um, I'm really so far enjoying the whole...
Oh.
No, sure.
No, of course.
Great.
Fine.
Hey, man.
I'm totally gonna stick it to that skank.
- I dig it, man.
- I think I do, too.
- [Bernard] Roz, just, c'mon Roz!
- No, just get out of here...
Get out!
- Roz, let me explain!
- Oh, you've come here to tell me you're in love
with a 25-year-old underground cartoonist?
- Graphic novelist.
And no, I don't know what it is yet.
- It's the fucking present!
- What?
Ow!
The present you gave me!
You always give me presents!
- Ow!
Roz! Roz! Roz!
Look, I'm not any more happy about it than you are!
- Oh, you think I'm stupid?
- No...
- You want my understanding?
You want my compassion?
- No, I, you're a therapist.
- You're a prick!
- You know, you were the one who asked me to meet her
in the first place!
[dramatic music]
- [Zelda] We never go to your place?
- [Bernard] No, I'm just embarrassed
for you to see my apartment.
- Because my father lives there!
- Zelda, I do--
- If you don't want Huey to know about us, that's fine.
You just have to tell me.
- It's complicated.
Mainly, it's really because of my apartment.
I just don't want you to see it
until I've had a chance to do something with it.
- I don't think you're being straight with me, Bernard.
Y'know, it's shaping up like you're gonna
have to make a choice.
Huey or me?
[door opening]
- Hey, man!
- Hey.
Y'know, I'm...
I'm kinda surprised we're still friends.
You hurt me.
You know that, right?
- Bullshit.
- No, really.
- That's bullshit, dude,
practically every girl you ever had, I gave you.
- Yeah.
Do you remember Jezebel?
- [Huey] I know 17 Jezebels.
- You see, I still still think of her,
and you can't even remember.
The dancer, Jezebel.
Huey, she was the girl of my dreams.
You know that, right?
Yeah, no, I, everything about her,
the way she looked at me.
The way she made me feel smarter than myself.
Even witty.
She brought out, she brought out, like depths,
that I didn't even...
Okay, you know what?
I'm not...
You're gonna judge me.
We were inseparable, okay?
I was addicted to her.
And then you told me that I was pussywhipped.
No, not just,
you have to know the kind of influence you had on me.
That stayed with me, for years.
Still with me.
And then, over nothing, over some dumb issue,
something that meant absolutely nothing,
I stood up to her.
I mean, I knew,
I knew I was in the wrong.
But I didn't want Huey to think that I was pussywhipped.
So, we broke up.
One year later, she's married to someone
who looks exactly like me.
Apparently, they live in New Jersey.
They've got three kids,
and everyone says she runs the family.
And all I do some mornings is hope
her husband dies.
- Do you know what you suffer from, my friend?
- [Bernard] What?
- Pussywhip envy.
- Okay, you know what?
Don't...
I'm just saying, Huey, if...
Just don't...
Break me up with a woman again.
Please.
- Okay.
Put on your shoes.
I'll walk you to the subway.
- Honestly, don't bother.
Okay, I've never met anyone so crude in my life.
- Yeah, crude.
Now put on your shoes.
I'll walk you to the subway.
I mean you want everything your own way, okay?
You're spoiled.
- Yeah, spoiled.
Now put on your shoes, I'll walk you to the subway.
- I mean, I have needs, too, you know.
- Yeah, you need to put on your shoes.
I'll walk you to the subway.
- You certainly gave me a different impression,
that's all I'm saying.
I figured, go with the Columbia guy,
they're not animals.
- Now, put on your shoes.
I'll walk you to the subway.
- Y'know, there's more to life than self-gratification.
- Uh-huh.
- Okay, I hate to be pushed into things.
We've barely said a word to each other.
Even though, I admit entirely too much time
is spent on talking now-a-days.
- Okay, you talked.
Now put on your shoes.
I'll walk you to the subway.
- We practically just met, okay?
Women hate to be used.
I hate to be used.
- I'm hip.
Put on your shoes...
- Mm-mm.
You're a very strange boy, Huey.
You're just used to women just falling all over you, okay?
And I don't why you men have to see beautiful
women as threats every time.
I just, I need my coffee.
- I'm out.
- I have money.
- You got enough for breakfast?
- Uh-huh.
- Hey, bring me a couple of bagels back, will you?
- Any particular kind?
- Baby, I trust you.
- So, why does Bernard say that you've fallen apart?
- I don't answer analytic questions.
- Analysts don't ask questions, they wait,
and I'm not waiting.
- Well, I could give you a different answer
for every day of the week.
Um, my wife fucked me over.
Muscle tone.
Yeah, that's a good one.
A guy like me loses muscle tone...
- So, why did you ask me to dinner?
- You need a reason 'cause you're an analyst?
- No.
- Motivation.
You wanna know my motivation.
- Does this ever stop?
This performance?
- The Huey act?
- Oh, is that what you call it?
- Mm-hmm.
This time in my life is what?
Reversal time?
Y'know, when I knew Bernard, he never made out.
Never!
- That no longer seems to be his problem.
- And now it's, like, what?
A fuckin' joke?
It's like I'm him and he's me!
He's seein' a new chick, you know.
- So you wanna sleep with me.
- She's young.
- And I'm not?
- [Huey] I've got no frame of reference
for any chick under 40.
- I'm not gonna sleep with you, Huey.
- 20 years ago, you would have.
Believe me.
- Okay, can we talk about something else?
How's your daughter?
- That's who he's dating.
- He told you?
- You think you're the only shrink in the room?
He brings up old grudges, he's mad at me all the time.
He didn't have to tell me.
- Well, does it bother you?
- Fuck yes, it bothers me!
You think I don't have feelings?
He's my only friend!
She's got my genes.
She will butcher him.
- [Zelda] Okay, look.
Do you like this?
- [Bernard] I don't.
You want me to be honest?
I don't understand it.
- [Zelda] Want some molly?
- [Bernard] What? No.
- All right. Suit yourself.
- [Woman] "Ich bin Scheisse. Du bist Scheisse, Maänner sind Scheisse"
- You're not supportive of my work.
- [Woman] "Maänner sind Hunde..."
- Yes, I am.
- You're not.
You never ask to see what I'm working on.
- I won't understand it, and then you get mad at me.
- See!
You're not supportive!
- You want me to lie and tell you I like something
I don't get?
- See, I don't understand why you say
that you're supportive,
and then you sabotage me like this.
- 'Cause I am supportive of you!
Does it mean I have to understand your work?
- You just want me to be a trophy, like an adornment.
- All you ever do is talk about is your career.
- Because I'm young!
I have to talk about my career!
You don't have to talk about your career
because you've already arrived!
I have not arrived, and, frankly, you're standing
in my way.
- That's just plain stupid. C'mon.
- I don't want us to stay at my place anymore.
- [Woman] "...Maänner sind Scheisse..."
- [Bernard] So, what do you think, Mona?
- All right, lets, this is...
This is shit.
- Mona, c'mon...
- No, why, why are you showing me this shit?
- Is it that bad?
- Oh, c'mon, Bernard, look,
look, I haven't seen you in the graphic novel department in,
what, what is it?
Like 15 years?
Right?
I mean, what is it?
Slow day in nonfiction down there?
- Historical nonfiction.
Believe me, it's a lot slower than actual nonfiction.
- Why are you pushing this girl?
- I'm not pushing her, Mona.
- You're pushin' her.
- I'm just soliciting an objective opinion,
That's all.
- Here, you got exploding penises!
And what's this?
Oh, it's a penis that ejaculates carbon emissions.
Huh!
Ooh, oh, here!
This guy's penis gets cut off in a subway door!
Nice, nice...
Your, uh, your girlfriend's got a problem with men.
- Stop calling her my girlfriend.
Please.
- Oh, give me a break!
You like this stuff?
- I don't know.
- Bernard, look at this!
This guy has a cock that turns into a hangman's noose.
This, uh, Zelda Beauchamp, shomp,
she's got a problem.
- She's a feminist.
A feminist!
- Stop it!
I'm a feminist, and I don't want to hang men
by their penises.
She's a sick-o!
- It is the daughter of a very old friend of mine.
This is not her.
This is political for her!
Just use her, can you use her, just please?
- [Woman] No, look, you know, no...
- In an ebook or something?
- [Mona] No, I don't like the pressure, Bernard.
- Need another intern, along with the other ones you get?
- Zelda... Beauchamp...?
Beauchamp...?
- Ya.
- I knew a Beauchamp years...
Is that Huey?
Huey's daughter?
- Are you serious?
- Huey Beauchamp?
- You know Huey?
- Are you fucking kidding me?
- I can tell that you know Huey...
- Are you kidding me!?
- [Bernard] Damm it!
- You bring that shit up here?
- When I go out with, say, a 25-year old,
I mean, I know, I'm sure people are whispering,
"What's that old man doing with that young girl?"
But put me in that same restaurant with, say,
someone Roz's age, and all I'm thinking
is, "What's this boyish fellow doing with this old woman?"
And, I know, that's horrible!
Augh!
I can't help it.
I'm addicted to youth and I am bothered by age...
Mostly mine, I guess.
But these younger women,
I mean I can't forget AIDS, which I think is less of a risk,
I mean, y'know, with older women because,
generally, they don't sleep around as much.
But, with a younger woman with experience,
I mean, how do you know?
I mean, a woman with a lot of experience.
Does she know?
It's not heavy for them.
Do they even practice safe sex?
Y'know, safer sex?
Jeez.
I mean, I'd rather just masturbate.
I mean, is that it?
Is that the bottom line?
In order to play it safe,
I have to end up marrying a woman who's old enough
to be my wife?
Okay, say, I invited someone to join us
who says she used to know you.
"Put on your shoes.
"I'll walk you to the subway?"
[laughs]
- You wanna grab a bagel?
- Well, outside of this particular material, Sid,
what do you think of her stuff?
She's very young, but I don't think R. Crumb
is the worst influence in the world, is he?
We're all influenced, Sid.
When Art Spiegleman started out, I'm sure
his work looked like shit, too, I suppose.
Just, sleep on it, please.
I think she could be an innovative force at Penguin.
Just because.
Our Norton editors don't understand Millennials,
that's why.
Thank you.
Thank you!
Well, I already picked up the tickets, Zelda.
It's French...
I dunno, I think it's a musical.
I don't understand.
Didn't you know about this Kollective meeting
when we met at lunch?
Were you just gonna let me wait out here
until the show started?
What if I hadn't called?
No, no, I don't think I'm only thinking of myself.
All right, no, yeah.
I guess I'm seeing a French maybe-musical by myself.
All right, bye.
[rhythmic pounding]
- [Huey] You want me to stop, Mona?
- Huey, are you...
- [Huey] Oh, Mona!
- [Mona] Don't stop.
No, don't stop!
Wait! Wait!
[moaning]
Jesus!
- [Huey] Give it to me baby!
Oh, Mona!
[moans and screams]
- [Bernard] So, did, uh, she say when she'd be back?
- [Celia] Not to me.
- That's a cute dog.
Whose dog is this?
- It's Zelda's.
- She didn't tell me she had a dog.
She didn't tell me she had a dog.
- She got it today.
- Look, we don't know when she's coming back, okay?
- She didn't tell me she'd bought a dog.
[moaning and screaming]
You're kidding.
[moaning]
- [Huey] Oooooh!
There we go!
Ooh!
- [Zelda] What?
- Zelda, what...
- [Zelda] Nope, sorry, I'm not here.
- Zelda, I was by your...
- [Voice mail] Please record your message.
Press 1 for more options.
- Zelda, what the...
The option I want is "Leave a fucking message!"
- [Voice mail] At the tone,
please continue recording.
- Zelda, please call me...
God, no, I just...
- [Voice mail] To continue recording where
you let off, press 4.
To send your message with normal delivery, press 1.
To send your message with urgent delivery, press 2.
- [Zelda] Bernie, please don't judge me.
Okay?
- Don't judge you?
Standing me up, twice...
I mean, you don't return my calls or texts!
- I'm sorry, it's something I had to test out.
- So this is a plan?
This is a plan?
- Yes, yes, deprivation control.
- What the fuck?
- It's important for me to graph how,
how much I would miss you if you were gone.
- So, this is an experiment?
That's what you're saying.
This is an experiment?
- Yes, yes, and, and we did it for five days
and, and I got a lot done, okay?
I know that it was hard, but I actually felt
really inspired during that time.
- Yeah, yeah.
You bought a dog.
- Yeah, Fred!
- Are you breaking up with me?
Is that what's happening?
- Because, because I got Fred?
- I don't know.
- Bernie!
- I felt I knew you, I did.
- Oh my God.
You're being so dramatic.
- I just don't understand.
- Relax!
Come here.
I am trying to find a way to stay with you
and not go completely insane.
Okay.
It's a good thing.
- No, no, stop.
- Come on, come on.
Look, I have to protect myself, you know?
- But what about me?
- I don't want you to get hurt, either.
Y'know, I'm just trying to check in
and be healthy.
I'm not gonna let you devour me, Bernie.
- Oh, all right.
- You know what the hardest part was, though?
- What?
- Missing your little ass.
And your little pot.
- Pot?
Ohhh.
You know, my girlfriends are always talking
about how old you are, but I don't even notice it.
[guitar music]
I mean, you tire easily, but I do have that effect on people.
- Well, we'll fix that.
[squeaking]
Ah-ha.
Can I look?
- Don't tell me.
You don't understand it.
- Hey, you might be getting a call from Penguin, hmm?
- Hey, you really want to make yourself useful?
- Mmmm.
- We could use some more beers.
- Oh, it's kind of late.
- You don't mind.
- I just don't know what's open.
- Oh hey, while you're going out,
could you take the dog on a walk?
Thank you so much.
- Yeah.
- Hey, grab a couple cases, okay?
- [Bernard] Yeah.
[giggling]
- Oh, oh.
- [Bernard] Hi.
- Bernard.
- Mona.
- Getting in late, huh?
G'night.
- Night.
- Morning.
Morning.
- Later, man.
- It's five a.m.!
- Shank of the evening.
[door closing]
- You're so lucky you get be around Huey all the time,
you know?
He just, he emanates such an aura.
I don't think he's changed at all, do you?
I mean what, what'd you get?
Spinach?
Doesn't look any older.
I mean, not really.
He was never boyish.
He was manly at 23, he's even more manly now.
He's just kinda settled into himself.
You gonna eat those nuts?
Bruised, though, you can tell, really bruised.
Years have bruised him.
He's a businessman who dared to live like an artist.
But his art is himself.
He's way more intellectual than either of my husbands,
both of whom were associate professors.
- Okay, well.
I probably should get to finishing this salad.
- It's so great to be with him again!
I can't believe, after all these years,
that our lives have found each other!
And that we're still great in the sack together!
I mean, it's great....
- You know what, why don't you just take this salad.
Maybe just have it...
- You sure?
You don't want it?
- Yeah, I'm gonna get to work,
and that requires you not to be here.
[shower running]
- Wait, wait!
Yeah, lay down, lay down here.
Ow!
Oh, no!
Oh!
- [Huey] Oh, that's a good girl!
- Huey!
What is happening?
So, was that Mona last night?
- [Huey] Huh?
- [Bernard] Last night, was that Mona?
- Did she call?
- No, the screaming, Huey, the screaming.
- Bernie, keep it down, man. I'm a bit fragile.
- [Bernard] The woman screaming, Huey.
- That was just loud love-talk, man.
Around 10:30?
That was Debbie.
Just loud love-talk.
- I didn't get home till past midnight.
Who's Debbie?
- Oh, after midnight?
That was Francine.
Do you have any Ibuprofen?
- You know I do.
It's upstairs.
- I haven't been upstairs.
- Well, then, tell the half-eaten pizza on my bed
that you have not been upstairs!
- Oh, that was Leigh.
- [Bernard] What?
L-E-I-G-H.
Oh...
Hell of a life, huh?
Hell of a life.
- Jesus.
[phone ringing]
Hello?
Who am I?
Who is this?
Do you know what time it is?
No.
No, I don't know if Huey is here and I don't care.
He told you this was his cell?
[shower running]
All right. Well, don't cry.
Hold on.
Huey!
- Oh, hi.
- [Huey] Hey Roz, will you grab me a beer on the way back?
- There's a call for you!
On your "cell!"
- [Huey] All right, hey, man.
No problem.
- You!
Need therapy!
♪ She was a teenage debutante...♪ - So she says,
"No person should ever treat another human being like you treat me."
- [Bernard] Well, your actions were high-handed.
- So I said, "Look, don't bug me!
"Nobody asked you to come over."
- No, that's perfectly true.
- So she says, "You rob me of my dignity.
"Don't I mean anything to you?"
- Well, no, I can see her point of view.
I mean, you must admit there's no real relationship.
- [Huey] So I say, "Look, don't bug me. I'm late for class."
- See, I think you're setting up a confrontation.
- So, man, she goes wild!
Starts ripping open my Circle Jerk bootleg tapes,
pulls 'em out like linguini.
- [Bernard] That's exactly what I mean, Huey.
That's not how I would have handled the...
- So I spanked her.
- You didn't!
- Fuckin' A, I did.
Over my lap.
A love pat, really.
- I don't...
I do not think...
I mean, I think that is wrong, Huey.
I know you're gonna get mad at me, but I think
that is very, very wrong.
- Man, she loved it!
Fell all over me.
- [Bernard] What?
- I didn't get to class for a week.
- Jesus.
- [Huey] You want another beer?
- No.
I thought you graduated.
- It's as if the last 25 years never happened.
And my loft is a goddamn circus!
A brothel!
And the phone doesn't stop ringing!
And I have to take his messages!
And he has a cellphone!
I know he does!
But he just doesn't give out the number?
I think, I think out of spite he's giving
them my home phone.
I don't know.
You know?
And I put in a long day, lemme tell you.
No matter what you all may think
about historical nonfiction,
I don't wanna come home to the phone ringing
off the goddamn hook, and I have to look for
a goddamn pen and some paper.
And for who?
For who?
For Huey?
For your dad?
Fuck that!
Are you ser...?
How much poop can a small dog have?
- You know, one moment, he is so attentive,
and the next, it's like he's like he's the invisible man.
You know?
I mean, is it something I'm doing?
- No.
- I ask him if something's wrong...
- It's not you.
- And he gives me that look, that face, that's, that's
like straight from the grave.
Ohhh.
Yesterday afternoon, I called him.
He said hold on, never came back to the phone.
Never.
No.
- Never comes back.
- And just when I think I'm at the end of my rope,
he does something terrific or he says something terrific,
and...
- That's what he does.
I warned you.
- It's a disease. It's really a disease.
- [Zelda] ...hanging by his own penis
I wish there was some drug, some anti-Huey-biotic.
You ever experience anything like this?
[Zelda laughter]
- Hmm?
Uh...
- [Mona] Okay, that's all right.
- Yes.
- [Roz] I don't have to defend myself.
- That's not why I'm here.
- And I certainly don't need to feel guilty.
- Oh, but I do?
Is that it?
What do you see in him, Roz?
Because I keep playing it over and over in my mind.
You're a victim.
You're an accident victim.
- I am not a victim!
That would be,
it would be like blaming a pedestrian
for getting hit by a semi.
He's fat!
He's old, he's bald!
He looks 60!
So, what is it?
What do you see, Roz?
- He doesn't look 60.
- Oh, please, okay, yeah.
Take his side.
- [Roz] And don't you dare call me a victim.
- [Bernard] How could you let him?
With our friendship is at stake here?
- What about Zelda?
- What, no!
No.
What, Zelda and I could never have
what you and I had.
- Such as?
- Companionship!
Fucking trust!
All right?
What Zelda and I have is something completely different.
- Are you all right?
- Yes!
Look, Zelda is very aware of what she's doing.
So am I.
We're working it out.
All right?
But you, you're the only one I can talk to,
really talk to.
So ask yourself, why did you do it?
It's some kind of a reverse miracle.
- No, don't! Aw, you, gaahhhh!
I hate your analyst's voice.
- Huey set you up.
- What?
Okay, yeah, Huey set me up!
How did Huey set me?
What?
You mean Zelda?
No!
You told me to see Zelda!
You're the only one I listen to, so you ask.
What do you mean, hmm?
What do you mean?
What do you mean, Huey set me up?
- Explain it to me.
You've gone back to being the old Bernard.
No!
- And he's gone back to being the old Huey.
Think about it!
And then you explain it to me.
[door opening]
- Bernard!
Mmmmm...
Bernard!
Aha!
Two ships that pass in the night.
Not good for a relationship.
I brought a little, a little toast.
To lovin' 'em and leavin' 'em,
and lovin' 'em and leavin' again, baby!
- Huey, listen.
- No, hey, you listen.
- All I am is a fucking Machine.
Right?
Now, I'll admit, I'll grant you,
that machine was broken.
It needed to go into the shop.
You're the shop.
I offered you the service contract,
and you could have said, "Hey, man!
"Get this Machine off my lot.
"It's totaled!
"It's totaled!"
Hey, but now, I'm repaired.
Top gear.
Huh?
I mean, not it's not, I'm not state-of-the-art.
Y'know, that's Youth-City.
But I mean, you know, I mean, I can't do
what I could.
But I can travel.
Y'know?
I can hug the road.
I can still corner pretty well.
[laughs]
You put that thing in cruise control.
Hoh, hoh, hoh, hoh, don't move!
Aughhh-hohhh.
[laughing]
I'm in tune.
And I owe you.
Huey is tuned!
- Great.
Then why don't you get you and your Machine,
and get the hell out of here?
- Wow.
That's fucked up.
[laughing]
I don't even like champagne!
- This is more like it, Zelda.
This is really good stuff.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It's looser.
It's funnier, less angry.
It's more knowledgeable about men,
seems to me,
and there aren't any...
Nope, nope, no exploding penises.
So, yeah, this, this could sell.
- You really think so.
- Yeah.
- Oh, Bernie.
- I have to say, I'm kind of relieved, y'know.
I admit that
I let my imagination run away with me,
and I started to think that
work might be the only reason that we're...
That maybe there was somebody else.
And, um...
But now you show me this,
and it's wonderful, and...
I just take pride.
Such pride.
'Cause I kinda think that, forgive me,
that I had a little,
a little something to do with this,
this change in you.
- Oh.
- This kind of humanizing factor.
- But I should tell you that.
- Hold on, hold on!
That's not the best news.
I kicked out Huey!
Yeah, I kicked him out.
Now we can have my place to ourselves,
and you can see my place as it is,
and see me as I am.
It's kinda perfect.
- Wow.
Okay, uh, but, but, I should tell you
that, um, I have met someone, in a way,
he's my new collaborator.
- Oh.
- If you check the, uh, the signature there, on the...
- [Bernard] "Zelda and Scott."
I was wondering...
- Yeah.
- I thought it was a gag, or...
- Well, um, his name is Conrad Scott,
and that's where the yeah...
That was his idea.
He actually did most of the dialogue.
- The stuff that went in, in the bubbles?
Yeah...
- Yeah, that was all him.
And, I mean, who knew I would let a man
put words in my mouth, right?
- [Bernard] Right.
- But, you know, this guy is magical!
I mean, it just, it flows out of him.
- You, you won't believe it,
it's like this incredible force...
- No, it's great.
I mean, it can't just be me, y'know.
You need a collaborator.
It's great that you need that.
And someone to collaborate with...
- Yeah.
I really, I just,
I think he's going to be the most amazing partner for me.
- Work partner.
- Yeah.
- I think he could really take me all the way, y'know.
We could, we could really make it big together.
Change the world.
So...
- [Bernard] It's great.
- And I know he wants to meet you.
- Awesome.
- Ahhh!
Ohhh!
Y'see, Bernie, what, what Zelda is
is the view from the female gut.
She offers us pussy-vision.
Ah.
She is true and fearless beyond
the concept of a concept.
The Super Bowl of truth.
The kingdom of what is and what ain't and
never, no, never, what should be.
Take it down, my friend, take it down.
Oh, her internal rhythms
are the syncopation of ambivalent regard,
the duality of improvisational karma,
the existential corollary of the four a.m. fuck.
She is deep, and she is dirty.
I love, and I mean truly fuckin' love, the balls
on this here female.
[giggles]
- Well, um, we should probably get up from this...
It was, uh, awesome getting to meet you.
- Isn't he just outrageous?
- He is something.
- [Conrad] Absolute pleasure.
I heard you're a poet as well, yeah?
- Yeah yeah yeah.
- [Conrad] Yeah, very nice.
- I mean, that was a,
yeah, there, at the time, I was...
I was doing poetry.
- [Conrad] I would love to hear some.
- Yeah, Bernie, do some!
Oh, I didn't bring it, if I did, though,
it's very much like yours.
It's very sensual and sexual and uh...
- He is everything you told me about.
- [Zelda] Isn't he a gas?
- Yeah.
- [Bernard] Yeah, but I did a lot of slams back then...
- I love this guy.
- And open mic kinda things.
- [Conrad] Very good.
- Yeah.
- Why do you want to know?
- [Man] I'll tell you how much I make.
- I'm not interested.
- Why, you think you make more?
- [Woman] Is that a turn-off?
- You are suffering from a serious illness!
- It's a turn-on.
- [Woman] For a woman to make more?
- Yeah, but I doubt if you make more than I do.
- [Woman] Really?
What do you do?
You're dressed like a government stiff.
There are people plotting to kill us!
And this is the conversation you want to have
milliseconds before [imitates explosion]?
- [Woman] DMV?
- I'm in insurance.
What about you?
- Oh, this is degrading.
- [Woman] I'm an attorney.
- Christ, I'll bet you do make more.
- [Woman] Public defender.
- Oh, no, I probably do make more.
- "Do you wanna fuck?"
Let's just get to that.
"Do you want to fuck?"
- [Woman] My clients, though.
Them, too.
It's the judges, other lawyers,
it's just not what I'm used to.
So I'm going into corporate law.
- Christ, you'll clean up.
- [Woman] I expect to.
Otherwise...
- You live alone?
- Bullshit!
- [Woman] No.
- You don't? - Bullshit!
- [Woman] Who can afford to live alone?
- Where are my contemporaries?
I live in a world without peers.
Where are my peers?
They are married,
with grown children...
- I don't live alone either.
- Whom I sleep with.
- [Woman] I've got three roommates.
How many do you have?
- Roommates?
- [Woman] Yeah.
- One.
- I've lost the strength to be as shallow at 49
as I was at 24.
- [Woman] One?
Oh.
You're married, right?
- In a way.
- [Woman] Separated?
- Practically.
- [Woman] But you haven't moved out yet?
- I'm as good as moved out.
I'm just not a loner, you know?
I'm not good by myself.
- [Woman] You should get used to it.
- What is wrong with this picture?
- [Woman] So?
- Just waiting to meet the right girl
and then...
- [Woman] Then you'll move out?
- What's to keep me?
- [Woman] Being such a tool.
- I'm still in it.
[train whistle; trucks idling] - [Driver] It's been an hour, chief.
- No problem.
[cash flipping]
Later, man.
Still a midnight worker, eh, Marty?
- You're supposed to be dead, you shit!
Did you ever talk to her, huh?
Just once?
Just once in five years, huh, you shit?
Mama thought you were dead.
- Mama hated me, Marty.
- Of course she hated you, you shit.
Everybody hated you.
You had more than all of us
and you've done nothing with your life but hurt people.
I wanted to be like you.
I imitated you.
Did you know that?
I imitated the way that you walked
and how you talked and, and I wanted to be you,
so I imitated you.
You're my fucking little brother,
and I wanted to be like you!
You've had nothing but contempt for all of us.
Where do you get off, huh?
Jesus!
Fuck you!
You should be dead.
Where do you get off?
By rights, you're dead.
[clearing throat]
- You, uh, remember my little girl, Zelda?
- Yes.
- Little Zelda's all grown up.
- Good.
She, um...
She wants to do greeting cards.
I figured you could use the work.
[uplifting music]
- You run a lot?
Hi.
Yeah, I just started running again.
I stopped because I was thinking too much, y'know.
I was always getting lost in my head,
and I don't need another reason to be there, y'know?
I should get ear buds.
They say listening to music will keep you out of your head.
I see you don't wear any.
I noticed you don't have them.
Maybe you don't have the same problem as me.
Will you marry me?
I fucking hate running.
[gentle music]
"If you spend your life avoiding hurt,
"you spend your life avoiding life."
That's pretty good!
Christ Almighty!
You fucking...
"Zelda and Scott dot-com?"
[sighs]
[dial tone]
- [Voice mail] Please enter your password,
then press pound.
[button pushing]
You have one new voice message.
- [Zelda] Bernie, uh, you're not answering your cell.
Listen, I know I gave you a hard time, Bernie,
and I really am sorry,
y'know, even if we don't see each other again,
and I really hope we do,
I just want you to know that I think in your own way
you actually brought my family back together again.
- Uuccch.
- [Zelda] And me and Huey.
So, y'know, that's all I wanted to say.
Um, oh, also, we're going to brunch tomorrow
and my father says if you wanna come,
and I would also like that very much.
And, ya know, whatever else,
you'll always be, uh an important transitional figure
in my life.
So call me back.
Or, you know, don't.
Whatever.
- Babe, V.I. Lenin accommodated to circumstance, right?
Moammar Quadafi accommodated to circumstance.
Idi Amin accommodated to circumstance.
Take it down, bae, really.
They all maintained their agendas, right?
You and me, through comic copulation,
we bugger the bourgeois consciousness.
- [Maitre D] Can I help you today, sir?
- Uhhh...
No.
Sorry, I...
- [Huey] Hey, hey!
- [Bernard] Oh, good.
- Zelda said you might show.
Yeah, uh, wow.
Look at you!
You've changed.
- Oh, yes.
The revived, revised, newly-minted edition of Huey.
- Good for you.
- We're late.
- Oh, this is Aggie, my wife.
This is Bernard.
[chuckles]
- For clarification, I'm Zelda's mother.
- Yes.
Uh, hi.
Actually, you know what, I'm...
- Oh, no, no, no no!
You will not believe what's been happening.
- No, Huey, don't.
- Lenin wasn't doing greeting cards, y'know, so...
- Yeah, and Lenin didn't have a daddy with a printing plant.
[laughter]
- [Aggie] Your drawing is getting marvelous, dear!
- [Huey] I like this one.
- [Marty] This one's very cute.
- [Bernard] Yeah, that's nice.
- [Conrad] So, Marty, my man, the key is to seduce
the marketplace upwards.
Y'know, leverage brick-and-mortar into the transmedia space
all while maintaining an authentic brand identity.
Conrad thinks I worry too much about selling out.
- [Conrad] You do.
- Well, I, I, I think that the stores are thrilled
that this is printed on hemp.
They just love it thanks to the Mayor of Colorado here.
But you don't have anything to worry about
these are all terrific.
- The cards, they just drive eyeballs to the site,
site to the app, app to online sales.
See, the medium doesn't define the integrity
of the artist, 'cause the true artist knows
how to create with whatever's at his fingertips.
Our aim is to maximize the marketplace,
not compromise our integrity.
Take it down, yeah?
- I don't understand a word you're saying.
- These are very different.
That's what I like about them.
- [Huey] I dig it.
- [Conrad] It's generational, my friend.
- [Marty] I, I understand that, but I...
- [Aggie] So bizarre.
- Well, this is exactly why we've already
started crowd-funding for the graphic novel, as well.
- Gutenberg, baby, Gutenberg.
It begins and it ends with the printed page.
You see, when the sustainable becomes artisanal,
then the analog becomes tactile, eh?
Hold on to life, lover, and don't ever let it go.
- Okay.
Yeah.
Excuse me.
- [Conrad] Ciao, baby.
- Y'know, obviously, none of this is gonna
be at the expense of the greeting cards.
That's what gave us our start, y'know,
But I just think having a graphic novel
could just build up the brand.
- Just a shot of anything, it doesn't matter.
- [Conrad] Absolutely brilliant. - [Aggie] It's hilarious, hilarious!
- You okay?
- I'm barely holding on.
You're back in business.
Your wife and your daughter.
- Ah, the hipster scene is dead, man.
La Boheme.
Shit, everything your mama told you about sex is true.
Take it down.
Take it down...
- Just stop, Huey.
Just stop.
God, you're exhausting.
You know that, right?
You have exhausted me.
Number one, I'm a schmuck.
Number two, I apologize.
Number three, I'm a schmuck.
Number four, I'm a schmuck.
Number five, I'm a schmuck.
"A transitional figure," that's what she called me.
Can you believe that?
I just, I just don't want to get old, Roz.
Why is that so awful?
- I knew you when you were young.
- Oh, God, oh shit.
Shit, that was awful!
That was awful, wasn't it?
It was awful being young!
[sighs]
Am I a transitional figure in your life?
- You are a schmuck.
I'm a transitional figure in your life.
- Nooo!
No.
C'mon...
- Do you want me to say it?
- No!
- You're my Zelda.
- Where did you hear this?
- But there is a saving grace.
- Yes, please.
Please.
- You are also a transitional figure in your own life.
[groans]
- So, the irony is I screw around
for the fear of my own mortality,
and now,
and now.
- That is the irony, all right.
- I'm sorry.
I'm a schmuck.
But I look young.
[laughing]
Young-ish?
[laughter]
[knocking]
- Hey!
- Oh my God.
What?
- I just wanted to come by and let you to know
I'm not mad at you.
- Mad at me?
Why?
- You called me exhausting.
Hey, uh, you ever been to St. Thomas?
- No.
Why?
- Here.
I just don't want you to be mad at me for
the next 25 years.
See you soon?
[Caribbean music]
- [Announcer] Welcome to Cyril E. King Airport
in St. Thomas in the US Virgin Islands.
- [Zelda] Is it posting?
- [Conrad] No, it's not going to post.
I'm recording now so we can have it...
- Well, we can't just record it now and post it later,
that's not authentic...
Where are the bags?
- Uh, up ahead.
- Can you believe we're here?
- As a matter of fact...
- It's so post-colonial.
Admit it, you were never really attracted to Huey.
Just admit it, just admit it!
Ow!
- Uh, sweetie, where are the bags?
- They're on the shuttle, remember?
- Ah, yes!
Hey, I just wanna let you know, I am so proud of you!
- Is this your way of telling me
that you're gonna leave again?
- No!
- We'll see.
- This is nice, huh?
- Yeah, this it's nice.
Thanks for the tickets, by the way.
- Thanks for coming.
Y'know, I've been thinking, uh, maybe I'll write a book!
- About what?
- Me!
- Oh, God, no!
No, don't ever, ever do that!
- We'll see!
- Tanya... Sarah... Dani...
Mona!
- Who's Mona?
- She's an artist.
- An artist?
Jesus!
- Parsons.
- How tall is she?
Does she put out?
No, Mona's too crazy.
[sighs]
I could give you Aggie.
- Who is Aggie?
- Great-looking chick.
Neurotic.
Confused.
Bennington.
Writes poems.
Paints watercolors.
- Oh, she sounds perfect.
- Should I give you Aggie?
- Give me Aggie!
- No.
I'm saving Aggie.
- Okay.
Who've you got, Huey?
[rock music]
[Caribbean music]
♪ She was a teenage debutante
♪ A George F. Will sycophant
♪ Lived a life of perfect health ♪
♪ Family of means and wealth
♪ And when she charmed everybody at the country club dance ♪
♪ They said honey, you've got a chance ♪
♪ To be a conservative zit
♪ Marry a Republican twit
♪ And own many pairs of designer pants ♪
♪ She had fun at the society bash ♪
♪ Then she contently took their cash ♪
♪ Her parents said they raised her right ♪
♪ Albeit just a little tight
♪ Her graduation gift was a bright red Porsche ♪
♪ She ate caviar with her borsht ♪
♪ Her dad made a wager
♪ She'd be a business major
♪ With his investment broker on the porch ♪
♪ She turned 18 and went to college ♪
♪ She thought that she would seek some knowledge ♪
♪ She thought it was fine
♪ To open more than just her mind ♪
♪ She liked what she saw at the student protest ♪
♪ Skipped class that day and forgot her test ♪
♪ Then she became a Dead Head
♪ Never went alone to bed
♪ And turned her dorm into a hippie love nest ♪
♪ One, two, three, four
♪ Then on one Christmas break
♪ She brought home a garter snake ♪
♪ She gave her mom a Ruskie bear hug ♪
♪ She gave her sister a bag of drugs ♪
♪ She told her dad she was a communist ♪
♪ But her boyfriend's only a socialist ♪
♪ But it was the bright red bra ♪
♪ That really, really shocked her ma ♪
♪ Wasted money at the orthodontist ♪
♪ One, two, three, four
[gentle music]